The Troubling Night

It was a troubling night for me, so distressful that my mind was left with hardly little control over my body. The entire body was in pain and agony, I was suffering from ache and numbness in every joint and muscle. I could not turn while sleeping but yet I could not seek comfort in any posture. And where was the sleep, I couldn't dream but of the thoughts, that I don't have access to the doctor and that I have to pass a number of hurdles to be able to see the doctor. My throat was sore and my temperature was high, my energy was depleted and my morale was down, my stomach was not full and my heart felt empty. I did not need anything and yet I wanted peace and comfort which I couldn't get in any manner. I was alone without anyone's help and the time seemed to be crawling like a turtle with seconds passing in minutes and minutes in hours. I was waiting for the sun to shine back again so that I can sense the beginning of a new morning and perhaps a shine of hope for me, but the night seemed to linger on and on without an end in the sight. I got so tired of lying on the bed that I left it a couple of times over night to walk a few steps before I could not sustain my body's weight and my mind failed to maintain the balance or a sense of coordinate frame and I threw myself back on bed. I did not know what is going on as I did not have a cough, nor did I have an upset stomach, nor a missed dinner or lunch. I was just exhausted with the fast pace of work perhaps. Bad dreams just kept on storming my film of sleepy thoughts. In one case, my friend was assuring me that the doctor will agree to see me if I complete a set of tasks. And I continue to fail in each task as the dream lingers on. But I desperately want to see the doctor because my state of helplessness is frustrating me. I cannot stand and walk because my mind doesn't support it, I cannot lie at one posture because my body parts that are pressing against the bed begins to ache, I cannot help but try to sleep because of the headache that is making my mental state irresistible.

It was a troubling night that showed me how helpless I can suddenly get and despite all the power, I am still so much dependent.

Course Disappointment

In lieu of my poor performance in one of the courses, I performed some self-analysis and tried to personally spot out my shortcomings. Apart from many of my apparent weaknesses like procrastination, lack of focus, and seriousness, which are themselves big weaknesses on my part, I believe that there were other reasons too that became the causes of these weaknesses.

Those included my demoralization, discouragement, and fear. Right from the beginning of the coursework, I was not able to perform well on the homeworks because of the major fact that I was not fully prepared on the course's content and on top of that, the homework questions assigned each week were basically questions from past exams which would be worth 20 or so points and would be designated 3-4 hours of time in the exam. Moreover, when appearing in the exams, these questions would also assume that an examine would have full knowledge of the complications of the material being tested.

Thus as a natural reaction to such convoluted problem statements, I would first startle upon seeing the homework and then begin to yawn after spending hours of hopeless effort to set up the problem solution. I would naturally get demoralized that I cannot solve them without assistance.

Moreover, this would shatter my courage as I was hardly able to solve a single problem on my own. It would also force me to go to the tutors' office hours and seek help in solving the problems, which would not help me learn much because tutors would completely describe problem solutions rather than interactively providing hints and assisting me in gradually progressing towards the solution.

In any case, I realized that a necessary requirement for me to succeed in learning the course material was to personally solve the problems and for that I had to have mastered the pre-requisites. I also thought that Professors should have increased the level of difficulty of the homeworks gradually, thereby instilling a sense of confidence among the students as the coursework grew in complication.

The pre-requisite for this course included the mastery of undergrduate level Linear Algebra, command over usage of Matlab programming language, and an appreciation of various concepts of Electrical Engineering, including the analog and digital signal processing, and control theory. This was another reason for me to feel overwhelmed at learning the course material because I had to simultaneously catch-up on pre-requisites while learn the new material with appreciation of the strength of its application.

A dream

Today's dream was somewhat horrifying, a little disturbing, quite confusing but yet partially pertinent to my current state of affairs, or may be that is how I perceive it.

I was in a different city or perhaps in a different dimension, may be transferred to some other time and in some other place. I had different ethnic people around me, who were probably chinese and really immersed in their work life and disinterested in adventures.

I had the ability to fly but I could not attain perfection in it. I was a terrible amateur at this god-gifted skill, which I could appreciate but other would not even care about. I was exhausted by trying to get over my fear of heights and to master this unique talent. But the main problem was that I was not able to control when will I fly and when would I stay at the ground. Perhaps I needed to focus, to meditate and to fully concentrate on what goes on inside me that allows me to fly. I was lacking that focus, self-confidence and determination to exploit my potential. Simultaneously, everyone else in the dream was deprived of this ability but I was astonished over the fact that I could not witness any expression of surprise on anyone's face who saw me flying or suddenly being carried away from the ground. They would just feel sorry for me for having to deal with this abnormality and then continue with their daily routine as I lifted away in air. Yet with all this difficulty, I remember having an agenda in the dream and that I knew how important it is for me to fulfill it but I have this necessary hindrance of being able to cope with this abnormality of involuntary flying in my way that doesn't let me carry on with my goal.

I was walking through the streets and suddenly I felt that I will lose connection with the ground or, to put it differently, the gravity was about to defy me. I had a disturbing and unpleasant feeling because I knew that once I leave the surface, I would have no control over when and how to come back. One point was clear in my mind that I will definitely land back, but only when the force of gravity suddenly overpowers my defiance and then I'll be forced to the ground with an accelerated fall. This is my misery and it happens to me daily leaving me injured or bruised as I brutally hit the ground. As I see myself from the third person's perspective in the dream, I feel like crying over my state but I can't help it at all.

And as I was about to be lifted and was once again overwhelmed with the fear, someone whose voice seemed pacifying to my ears shouted that your father's telegram has arrived. It was that moment when I had left the ground for the sky while the man continued to read my dad's words "baita, we are all worried about you here, please come back to us," that I lost my emotional strength. And what can a helpless man who is feeling the defeat in his mission do when these melodious words of courage, hope and enormous faith, strike his eardrums: just cry in desperation. And this is what I did, I cry with open heart and closed eyes as the gravity once again defies me and I am lifted to my next unknown destiny. (I can't stop crying, but I do not know why!)

After having cried in the air, and being swept away by winds to some other destination, I realize that I am about to fall. And terribly fall, I did near a butcher's shop. The dogs are about to put their filthy teeth over my soft bruised flesh and with all the fear overwhelming my mind, I was suddenly lifted to the skies and continued my assent upwards above all buildings and was again carried away by the winds. I could see the beautiful scenes that nature has built but to enjoy the beauty is not my purpose, it is something far beyond that. I know my mission is important but I cannot recall what it is. I am so helpless and am being carried away in despair...

Perhaps the dream is about my graduate school life away from family with no definite goal of life in sight. But I hope that the reality of the dream is good for all my loved ones.

Thankfulness

I was told today that I feel fresh, happy and active for some non-obvious reason. The statement came from a person having so much respect in my heart that I was coerced to evaluate my state at that time. But without giving it much thought, I summarized my feelings in a seemingly trivial statement: "why shouldn't I be happy, I have every reason to." And yes, as I reflect further, I had every reason to because I could not think of any worries. It was the Friday night marking the inception of the, once in a quarter's time, long weekend and I was having my dinner while talking to my wife. I was apparently so relaxed that I could've easily ignored that blessing of being at a calm state of mind if my wife had not pointed that out to me. But I no longer could ignore my current state and the more I thought of the reasons behind it, the more thankful I got towards God.

I had left all of my affairs to God and was happy that I had nothing to worry about the things that I had no control over. I have a small but a highly valuable family, and unfortunately each member of which is spread all over the world map. My parents have left for PK where my wife is currently residing and my brothers are at work in the North East. But thankfully, all are safe and sound. I recalled that how blessed I am to be able to
- have the refrigerator filled with delicious food,
- stomach full with dinner,
- schedule abundant with time,
- wife filled with love,
- family members all sound and in good health,
- account good on money,
- heart filled with tranquility and empty of jealousy,
- mind being filled with knowledge at a top-notch university,
- character, with God's help, exempt from wrongdoings,
- soul submitted to God's decrees,
- days filled with work and
- night filled with mental peace and sleep.

I feel that I have everything right now. It is due to these little, potentially unnoticeable, and frequently labelled as mundane things, that we actually cumulatively acquire our peace of mind. We work hard in our professional or scholarly life to presumably earn money or to gain more wisdom so as to distinguish ourselves in this material world but in fact we all work everyday to achieve mental tranquility which is often very hard to notice. But when you give your state a thought, you would realize the blessings bestowed upon you.

You can become happy by just lowering your standards, and can become inspired and motivated by raising them for the future. Happiness and contentment is what we acquire when we reflect on our state of being superior from those underprivileged monetarily, emotionally or physically, and Sadness is what one can impose on him/herself by looking up to those superior to us in the said categories. I have realized that looking up to our superiors is only healthy when one begins to feel proud over his accomplishments and to let go of his inspiration.

Babul Hawaiij

Written to Brother Arsalan as a reply to a question by his friend, sister Masooma, that "Do you know the reason or historical background as to why Imam Musa Kazim (as) is known as Babul Hawaiij?"

Assalamoalaikum brother Asalan. A brief account of my experience might be of relevance here, as sister Masooma had asked about a special question whose answer is also etched in my own past. It was the year 1999, during Saddam's reign, when I went on my first and hitherto the last trip to Iran-Iraq-Shaam and we had safely and graciously completed our journey to the religious sanctuaries in Iran. However, upon our arrival in Baghdad through a long road trip, a tragedy befell me.

On the eve of our arrival at the hotel, I tripped over a staircase falling down a number of steps while causing a severe ankle injury that rendered me stabile. I was heartbroken as I could not move even a single step without assistance; I had literally been handicapped. To my misery, my holy journey had only begun as we still had to travel to Kazimiyah, Karbala, Najaf, Kufa, Damishk, and finally back home. I could not afford disturbing others to carry me all around while they struggle to find peace themselves at the shrines. And hence I did what a despondent would do, I cried, and cried with tears pouring out of my heart.

The very evening, our Qafela traveled to Kazimiyah from Baghadad and I presented my case at the Bargah of Imam Mosa Al-Kazim (AS). I could not walk up to his grave due to the severity of my immobility and hence sat outside while encouraged others to visit while they could. Sitting alone, I desperately called upon God through the name of his special servant, I begged for my health only to be able to touch all the sacred graves and be able to travel to all the holy places.

While the doctors in the Qafela had told me that this injury could take as much as a month to heal completely, I remember that when we left for Karbala a few days from then, I actually walked up to the shrine of Imam Hussain (AS) carrying tremendous gratitude in my heart and completed the entire rest of the journey as if no tragedy had happened to this 12 years old lad.

I still tell myself and those I know that the God is Great and indeed his chosen ones are the bearers of the true light. I got my request answered through the reference of these pure name, no wonder they have answer prayers of millions others like me over the last thirteen centuries, and came to be known as Babul-Hawaiij.

May God keep you all in His Protection.

Anger degrades a person

1/6/11
I reached to another significant realization by just pondering over a pretty insignificant and mundane act of mine that indeed, "the anger not only controls one's self but also plummets him to the bottom of his character's dignity."

I feel that this was a highly important lesson for myself as I begin my marital life. Because now, I have to duly look after my "two selves" with utmost care and harmony. I cannot afford to resort to anger in dealing with the matters of my daily life because now its not only going to be me but my wife who would be equally affected. While I had heard an innumerable quotes in the praise of a mentally sturdy, emotionally resilient and a controlled person, I perhaps previously never had such a deep spiritual "shining", whereafter my mind would personally advise me from within to refrain from letting anger overpower my emotions.

Surely it was another mundane morning, when I screamed over my cell phone for have uncontrollably falling off the table twice within a few minutes' time. But after I was finished screaming over it and craving to smash it against the wall, I unconsciously thought over my act. And I realized that this small gadget made me go out of my control and brought my mind into a different state where my thinking capability was halted momentarily and I was performing a totally senseless act, that is, screaming over an idle object. I felt so ashamed over myself and felt degraded. Similarly, any object or a person who succeeds in provoking anger inside you actually begins to control you, or in other words, makes you perform acts against your conscious will, and also degrades you as a human, for you lose your grip over your intellect.

I had heard this lesson times and times again as a part of my parents' valuable instructions but failed to understand its true essence, until I felt it myself as I kept my mind open for questions and curiousness. Even our religious leaders and other great scholars in the past have reprobated this act of practicing anger in a whole range of beautiful quotations. To cite a few:

Imam Ali ibn Abi Talib (as) said:

"The most powerful person is the one who is victorious over his anger with his forbearance."

"When a person gets angry, if he is standing, he should immediately lie down (sit down) on earth for a while as this removes the filth of Shaitan (Satan) from him at that time."

Holy Prophet Muhammad (saw) said:

"He is not strong and powerful, who throws people down, but he is strong who withholds himself from anger."

"Whoever suppresses his anger, when he has in his power to show it, Allah (SWT) will give him a great reward."

"The best Jihad is self-control."

This also reminds of other instructions acquired from my parents and through my readings:

- One who entices you into anger controls you

- Thoughtful mind and not an angry one can solve a problem for anger shuns the thought-process

- If you are angry while standing then sit down, and if you are sitting that lie down, and if you are in the latter of the three poses then try to fall asleep

Moreover, I recalled various instances in the Islamic history when the various leaders including Imam Ali (as) who ordered at his deathbed to offer sweet cold drink to his own assaulter, who crushed his skull with the poisoned sword while he was in the act of prostrating before God during morning prayers. And another incident when Imam Ali (as) spared his enemy after having fully empowered him in the battlefield, just because his motive of fighting the opposition was corrupted with his self-anger after he was spit upon by his enemy.

But after having heard and read these popular historical incidents and sayings, I think what most influenced my thoughts was my self-realization after meticulous contemplation. Now, I should try my utmost to practice self-control and suppress any motives of ill-temper by taking just enough time before saying or doing anything.

Meditation

1/3/11
Since my seventh grade, I used to wonder why my parents reserved an hour of their special and intimate night time to muse over our family book on Meditation, titled "Muraqaba" (an arabic sufi word for meditation), authored by some native Pakistani/Indian in Urdu. Today, sitting in my Digital Signal Processing class, I think I got the answer, or atleast some what, thanks also to my discussions on world religions with my roommate and to the fact that I never stopped thinking about resolving my very serious problem, distractions of my mind.

These distractions, as one generally does not notice, often bombard our mind while we are engaged in an important work or perhaps during casual hours. I was facing the same situation. And although, the process of unconsciously being reminded of your pending tasks is a useful innate trait affixed in your mind, it poses a hindrance in your mental productivity and is detrimental for your concentration. But concentration and a focused approach to thinking and reasoning is quintessential for evoking your creativity and ingenuity. Thus with distractions storming your mind, your concentration and with that your creativity suffers. It gets irritating for me when in the middle of reasoning my way out, for instance, of a vector calculus problem, my mind sets off virtual alarms for pending and overdue tasks. In the heat of emotions, the mind fails to recognize that these pending tasks are of far less significance than my intellectual enlightenment through the task at hand, i.e. of vector calculus.

It is indeed difficult to manage time and yet more so to stay focused during a task whose time is now. Because the fears of both performing well on the current and other tasks, and of ill-managing your schedule never leave you. It demands courage to stay focused and also self-confidence that you can and will handle everything one after the other, that is, it calls for a meditation.

I think that meditation is to gradually filter out all the unnecessary to-do's hurting your current mindset. It is to let go of all other tensions storming your thought process and to focus your thinking power on the task at hand.

Pondering over Blessings

Moving along on the process of thinking for those who are intrinsically blessed with an interest in pondering, I would like to add that it's marvelous how much good can it do to you in the moments of despair and hopelessness.

Someone very close to my heart shared her self-reflection with me the other day. The point of significance in her statement was how much she began to feel thankful once she began to ponder over the many aspects, big ones and minute, of her life's past and present. And it all started as she began to ask herself "Why?" Why did her house's geyser crashed a week ago amid the height of the winter season? Why was she deprived of an essential modern mode of transportation, a car, when she could never imagined living without it? and perhaps the bigger questions for instance, Why did her father die while she was only 20?

But now, having sustained the deprivation of the above, she began to feel the inestimable value of these possessions. She had never before imagined of living without them and when the time came, she dearly missed them but still lived through, and lived through with courage, hope, and prayers. She began to become increasingly thankful to her Sustainer as she started to re-evaluate her past, hardships that she faced, and the momentous time that she spent when she had all those blessings. And now, as she thinks further, she feels thankful of being able to enjoy her current possessions: her family, her studies, and most of all, her love.

Moreover, she was a kind of person, let me tell you from my experience, who previously used to abhor the concept of self-reflection. But now with it, she was able to establish reasons for the happenings, learn lessons from her experiences, and develop humility in her personality. I see this to be true for myself as well. Every time I recall back the academic accolades, financial rewards, and other awards bestowed upon me, I begin to feel increasingly humbled and gratified. "It's all in the mind," they say, that can make or break your concept of joy. The happiest ones are indeed those who "make the best of everything they have" and not those who have the "best of everything."

But I must not forget those times in life when I might have felt that I do not have anything to be thankful for. For then too, someone had most accurately put: that if you have "Got nothing to be thankful for? Check your pulse." Thus you just need a knock on the right one of your brain's many doors.

So with such marvels of our mind in view, I should never hesitate to put my mind to work but actually haste towards launching an intellectual thought process, whenever I am feeling bored or unproductive. Because, indeed, "Mind is a terrible thing to waste," Forest Long, 1971.

Why Reflect?

We have been asked by the divine to think, to question and to ponder. A famous verse from the Koran to support this assertion is:

And it is He Who spread out the earth, and placed therein firm mountains and rivers and of every kind of fruits He made Zawjain Ithnaeen (two in pairs - or it may also mean: of two sorts, e.g. male and female, black and white, sweet and sour, small and big, etc.) He brings the night as a cover over the day.

Verily, in these things, there are Ayat (proofs, evidences, lessons, signs, etc.) for people who reflect. (Quran 13:3)

<http://www.quranfromallah.com/Topics/Quran-Knowledge.html>

Reflect is the word that distinguishes between those who enjoy questioning and those whose minds are exempt from the noble task of thinking. Moreover, the reward of gaining the true understanding of the reality of the Creator is reserved for the former class of people.

And the noteworthy quote from the Albert Einstein that the Princeton University had long kept as their undergraduate admissions' essay question hides a similar meaning in its profoundness:

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity.

These words of wisdom are not only the moral of Einstein's lifetime experiences but they also serve as a hint towards the goal of our life, the purpose of our existence. Perhaps I can seek assistance of an example here to illuminate my point.

This world has long been seen as the hunting ground for leadership. Imagine, two kingdoms with conflicting ideology and with comparable power. The two monarchs would find against one another only to pulverize the weaker or the unluckier one, and to gain absolute power. But what then, the king must ask himself, was this the goal of his existence. The competitor is dead, banished from the power and existence, ostracized from the public, demeaned in front of the crowd, and forgotten by the historians. There must be a greater meaning to this life, shouldn't there be, then to gain acknowledgement of his omnipotence? What about enlightening oneself spiritually, elevating the lifestyle and the intellectual status of humanity, realizing the marvels of this universe, acknowledging the greatness of its creator, and exploring the mode and the purpose of its creation.

After the power struggle has been surmounted, the winner would soon come to this realization that to succeed intellectually is the mission of ones' life. From this, I extract that the goal of my life is to study and to relate. With studying comes the openness of mind which in turn, induces logic in one's decision-making process and enhances the ability to reason the meaning of the happenings around us and to get in the habit of asking the most fundamental question, "Why?"

As the Larry King puts it in his latest televised episode of Larry King Live that his most frequently asked question over the 25 years life span of his most successful talk show was "Why?" because in its very nature, it begs a person to think before answering!